Quit You Coward

I think about it everyday

I think about never going to Pizza Hut ever again

Never driving on these streets again, these streets that I am forced to know so well like evil step sisters

I think about never seeing my co-workers again

It's more beautiful than anything I've ever imagined

Breathing

In the few moments in my life when I have felt truly happy

I feel like I know a secret

And I'm the only one who knows it

The secret is that everything is going to be fine

And all the things that ruin me

And all the people who upset me

They lose all their effectiveness

I don't pay them any mind

And I don't pity them

Because everything is going to be fine

And they'll find out soon enough

Crying

I just finished reading The Sandman Vol. 5: A Game of You.

I closed the book and I cried, quietly as my shoulders heaved.

I didn't want my grandparents to hear me in the other room.

When I was done I walked into the bathroom and I looked into the mirror.

I expected my eyes to be red, and my face to look sad, but neither were. I looked as if nothing had happened.

I thought about all the other times I've cried in my life. In an empty movie theater alone, at the end of any number of comic books, holding my dog after a shitty day at school, or in the parlor at my grandfather's funeral.

I never want anyone to see me cry. I suppose it's because it makes me look weak and I don't want people to see that. Some because I think they depend on me to be strong. Others because they believe I'm frail, most of the time it's because I just don't want to be noticed.

But I'm thinking about my life and I'm starting to realize that no one depends on me. And no one believes I'm weak, people don't put that much thought into me.

So why the fuck am I so embarrassed to cry?

I'm an alien

My entire life I have been completely baffled by most of the conventions of modern society. Here are a few issues that no one has ever been able to explain to me. A lot of them are a little ridiculous and they include some projecting on my part, but I really just feel like venting some of my frustrations tonight.


-Why is it ok for men to find women attractive?

It's not "cool", for men to find anything pretty or cute, besides women. A straight man cannot call a puppy cute, he cannot be impressed by a beautiful piece of music, he cannot enjoy a sunset. I would think that a real "man", a real macho guy would be perfectly fine having sex with a horrible beast of a woman before he runs off into the woods to eat more rats and punch more grizzly bears.

-Why are people offended by being called dumb?

The vast majority of popular music is horribly written garbage, there is no subtlety or wit in the lyrics. The same goes for the scripts behind most popular television shows and films. Nobody reads books, technical, well-thought out musical compositions are unpopular. All the evidence I have gathered my entire life points to the conclusion that being dumb is cool. So why isn't being labeled dumb a compliment?

Why are straight men homophobic?

You're a big strong tough guy. You squish tarantulas with your bare toes. You can drink a 24 pack of Budweiser and wake up in the morning without a hangover. You work twelve hour shifts on a construction site. You love to burp and fart. Nothing can phase you, you're a total bad ass, you're not afraid of anything. But the thought of two men kissing, now that's just "icky". That makes absolutely no sense to me. If you're homophobic you are a fucking pussy.

- Why is it cool to be dispassionate?

I find this to be most evident in rap music. A lot of popular rappers are so uninterested in their own music they can barely manage to open their mouths while they rap. They end up looking like they're doing a ventriloquist act in their music videos. Is it really that uncool to give a shit about your own music?

Why do you give a shit about proper spelling?

Are you impressed by a person who knows how to spell a bunch of words correctly? You shouldn't be. Language is here so that we have a way to communicate with each other. You can just as easily communicate your point by spelling a word incorrectly. The next time someone corrects your spelling, shove as many fingers up your ass as you can to make them uncomfortable.

Why do people get upset when their name is mispronounced?

Are you really that proud of your name? You didn't come up with it. Thousands of other people on the planet share it with you. It has nothing to do with your personality or who you are as a person. It's just a set of syllables that people can shout at you to get your attention when you're about to get hit by a car.

Why does everyone think they're so unique?

Everyone was made fun of as a child, kids are fucking dickheads. Everyone feels out of place, no one can know exactly how you feel. That doesn't make you unique, it actually makes you the same as everyone else. You are not expressing yourself by getting tattoos, you're paying someone to draw on you. At best you're a tangerine to everyone else's orange. You're slightly different than your peers, you are not special.


Sorry that last one was pretty mean. I didn't even really mean it, it's just an ironic juxtaposition with the title of the blog. Like I said, I just felt like venting a little bit. I feel a little bit better now. If I offended you at all with this blog post here is some ammunition to fuel your hateful comments: I am fat (205 lbs.), I am short (5'6'') , I am unsuccessful in relationships, I am incredibly poor ( I made around 13,000 dollars last year), I have bad teeth, and I am a huge pro-wrestling fan, go to town.

Absolutegentlemen- Lick the Cold Glass (2011)

Here is a link to download my new album of electronic instrumentals:

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=XQ3E29KB

Hot Tub Time Machine Review

The sighs of 13 year old girls are never a good sign. Whether it be in mocking defiance of your authority as a second cousin or in adorable astonishment at Steve Urkel's determination to finger Laura Winslow it is an ominous eye opener. In the case of Hot Tub Time Machine these sighs which I heard littered throughout the discount movie theatre were an audible acknowledgment of certain skin crawling aspects in an otherwise fine movie.

The film is a gross out comedy, perhaps the grossest I have ever seen. The homoeroticism is ramped up to levels that even the boys of Jackass have probably never dreamed of (or at the very least only participated in off camera). A few scenes in particular will probably cross the line for less adventurous viewers, but personally I relished in the debauchery, it really set this movie apart. Without some of the more extreme scenes this movie would have been a decent comedy, but the extra filth makes this one a little bit more memorable.


Rob Corddry is definitely the highlight of the film. He plays Lou, a man whose suicidal levels of alcoholism drive the plot of the movie forward. He is hilarious. His nonchalant delivery of filthy lines is insanely funny. Whether he his casually requesting a "classy" blowjob or "accidentally" attempting suicide, his performance here is a treat.


Craig Robinson is also great. He takes the ludicrous plot of the film more seriously than the other actors and the film is better for it. Clark Duke does a good job with what he's given, but for whatever reason it seems like he was given the least funny lines to recite.


What the film does not do well is impart valuable life lessons. Did we really need to be reassured that despite the sometimes head-scratchingly random events God presents us with, everything happens for a reason? Did we really need philosophical advice from a film which promotes the casual consumption of cocaine? I am no prude. In fact the parts of Hot Tub which I enjoyed the most were when the characters relished in being amoral, like in one scene where Rob Corddry cheers like he's at a Monster Truck Rally while watching another man horribly disfigured, that is funny. I just do not understand why every single mainstream movie that comes out has to be a blank-slash-romance-slash-drama. Just let the funny people be fucking funny!


Speaking of romance, this movie has it and it sucks. John Cusack's on-screen chemistry with Lizzy Caplan is certainly the lowlight of the feature, and I'm a fan of Lizzy Caplan's. I remember the first time I saw her in Mean Girls. As we were walking out of the theatre I was telling my buddy what a fox she was to which he replied with something like, "No she isn't, didn't you see how much eye make-up she was wearing?" Anyways, her role as a free spirited music journalist feels very tacked on and preachy. John Cusack too seems a little out of place here. It's not that he wasn't funny, although he wasn't. I'm fine with the writers having the lead play it straight, but I think someone like Luke Wilson or Ben Stiller would have been a better fit. Cusack plays the same morose sad sack he's been portraying since 1989, and it adds nothing to the film.


Overall, if you're overly disgusted by bodily fluids or drug use I would not suggest you see this film. However, if the idea of a shockingly nasty comedy sounds like fun to you, go see it. And if the cutesy sighs of 13 year old girls make you blush like Prince Harry after he consumed his first shot of whiskey, I recommend you drink before seeing this film.


I give this movie 7 out of 10

Ratatat- LP4 Review

I had only vaguely heard of Ratatat in the past. I knew they were some sort of electronic outfit but that was all. I picked up this album on a whim, hoping to hear something similar to Feadz or Boys Noize. What I got was that and a whole lot more.


When the album first started I felt overwhelmed. The unique concoction of distorted guitars, Latin percussions, orchestral swells, and electronic trickery felt a bit too chaotic. But as time went on I felt myself being eased into the songs. As each riff was played again and again I noticed something new each time, a trumpet echoing in the distance, arpeggiating synths humming in the background, or small clicks and clacks that cause me to imagine little beetles scattering across a lush forest floor. The electronic guitar is the one constant throughout the album. He is your guide through this strange and enchanting world. The guitar most often performs the leads while the samples and synths form the backbone of the songs. This is a strong choice because it allows you to truly enjoy the beautiful melodies while indirectly soaking in the more unique sounds on the album. That is one problem I often have with electronic albums, the instruments (synthesizers, samples) often sound so bizarre and alien that to have them playing more involved melodies would rob the listener of their ability to truly marvel at their complexities. But Ratatat have sidestepped this problem with their novel use of the distorted guitar.


The greatest achievement Ratatat have reached on this album is the melding of hip hop and dance music's production virtuosity with progressive rock's more exciting and less repetitive song structures. These aren't your typical hip hop "beats". None of the melodic lines ever outstay their welcome, but they remain long enough to allow the listener to soak in their intricacies. Ratatat has created the type of music that will make women flock to the dance floor while nerds, such as myself, can sit and watch without having to hear the same 8 bars on a loop for 4 minutes.



This album will most likely garner comparison to dance outfits like Daft Punk and prolific hip hop producers such as Daedelus and DJ Shadow. While this comparison is warranted this album really reminds me of some of the less melancholy progressive rock groups from the 70s, especially Camel. More specifically, I can't break the association in my mind between LP4 and Camel's instrumental album The Snow Goose. This and that album (a classic by the way) both feature a sort of lighthearted dramatic journey. The melodies can get dark from time to time but only long enough to allow you to appreciate the sunshine that came before it and will soon follow. Both albums also feature certain melodic lines that snake their way in and out of the album making themselves known several times in several different songs. This makes the two albums as a whole, seem more cohesive. It's almost like one long movement rather than a collection of individual tracks.



Despite all these things this album does have a few flaws. The production is extremely clean, almost sounding clinical at times. The tracks all sound just a little thin, especially for songs with so much going on. As complicated and crowded as the music is it never feels as all encompassing or as purely aurally dominating as classic albums from Animal Collective or The Avalanches, of which I'm assuming these musicians are fans. This could just be a matter of taste. Perhaps Ratatat were going for a more minimal sound but moments such as 1:33 into Bob Gandhi where the song leaps forward from a meandering acoustic stroll into a full-on electric gait could have a much greater impact with a more deeply layered sound. However, this is a minor complaint. For me the compositions should always take precedence over the production, and these compositions are certainly top notch.


There are certain songs that sound inviting to me, familiar in a way which is both touching and comforting. Being somewhat of a layman when it comes to musicianship, it's hard to pinpoint exactly what it is. I'm certain it's in the melodies, for this feeling can come over me regardless of the instrumentation, tempo, or timbre of the sounds. Whatever the case, this album gives me that feeling. For any number of reasons I... relate to this album. This mixture of lighthearted dreariness, cutesy exuberance, and clumsy euphoria reminds me of myself and the life I've had. So I may be somewhat biased in my review. That is not to take anything away from Ratatat. The compositional skill and production wizardry they've shown on this album is astounding. But it is my belief that the melodies you relate to are uniquely yours. They were formed on late nights spent watching old movies and unknowingly absorbing the soundtrack into your subconscious and early mornings hearing the theme to your favorite cartoon in the background while you got ready for school. I can undoubtedly say this is a fantastic album, whether or not it comforts you the way it has me is impossible to tell. What I know for sure is that you will hear something unique and well crafted when you purchase this album. There is no way in hell that this exact combination of sounds has ever or will ever be replicated, that is part of the beauty of electronic and sampled music, and is a lot more than I can say for many mainstream artists. This music is genuine and heartfelt in a way that is very charming.












I give this album a 9 out of 10.