Crying

I just finished reading The Sandman Vol. 5: A Game of You.

I closed the book and I cried, quietly as my shoulders heaved.

I didn't want my grandparents to hear me in the other room.

When I was done I walked into the bathroom and I looked into the mirror.

I expected my eyes to be red, and my face to look sad, but neither were. I looked as if nothing had happened.

I thought about all the other times I've cried in my life. In an empty movie theater alone, at the end of any number of comic books, holding my dog after a shitty day at school, or in the parlor at my grandfather's funeral.

I never want anyone to see me cry. I suppose it's because it makes me look weak and I don't want people to see that. Some because I think they depend on me to be strong. Others because they believe I'm frail, most of the time it's because I just don't want to be noticed.

But I'm thinking about my life and I'm starting to realize that no one depends on me. And no one believes I'm weak, people don't put that much thought into me.

So why the fuck am I so embarrassed to cry?